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Title: 23/7/1723. The end is near.
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Captain_Fiona
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Time spent: 19 hours

(Date Posted:07/23/2010 3:36 PM)
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"Don't give up Cap'n. We'll be in sight of land soon don't you worry." Mr. Hawkins said as he used the last of his ragged and tattered shirt sleeve to wipe Captain Fiona's fevered brow.
The captain seemed to rally slightly as he felt the touch of the rough-woven material scratching across the wound left by the seagull earlier that day.
"Careful dahhling, that hurt." he murmured. Captain Fiona grasped Hawkin's wrist tightly. "You were always the best of them Hawkins. Remember that."
"Well, it's been an honour to serve with you sir and no mistake. Wouldn't have missed our adventures for anything. Cross me heart and hope to die."
Captain Fiona tried to laugh but his laughter was swallowed up by a bout of coughing. When he had recovered, he looked his faithful companion straight in the eye.
"How did we get into this fucking mess anyway Hawkins?"
"Well sir, that be easy sir. I answered your small ad in Pirate's Monthly. What was it you wanted again?..Ramrod setting sail for parts foreign next Tuesday on the evening tide needs tough sailor with lots of experience. That was me wasn't it? Left me old mum and dad having only just got back from plundering the Norwegian fjords."
"Bet the Ramrod was a shock to your system, eh?"
"Most unique ship I ever sailed on sir. But we had some adventures eh?. Don't try to talk too much now. Try to get some rest Cap'n. Land be in sight soon."
As Captain Fiona drifted off to sleep once more, Mr. Hawkins grabbed the oars once more and set out for the horizon. His mind began to wander back 15 years............

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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/23/2010 4:01 PM)

"NAVIGATOR??? Where the hell are we dahhling? I can't see a bloody thing for this fog! And who the hell are you?"
"Thomas Hawkins sir, reporting for duty."
"Can you navigate better than this useless bitch. I don't know why I pay him good money. Honestly! Thinks because we may occasionally share a bunk he has the right to not know exactly where we are!"
"I think we might be still tied up at the dock sir. We need to cast off."
"We do?"

This was my first encounter with Norman St.John Everard Gaytrouser, 3rd son of Baron Gaytrouser of Much-Chaffing-in-the-Gusset. People nowadays will remember him better as Captain Fiona; one of the most inept pirates of the 18th century. History has thankfully drawn a veil over his adventures on the high seas but, like Ishmael in Moby Dick, I get to tell the tale. And what a tale it is.....
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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/23/2010 6:31 PM)

It's a tale of here be dragons and voyages to parts unknown. Mostly because Fiona's love of the navigator blinded him to his lack of skill with sextant and compass. Or even maps which had great big arrows pointing at YOU ARE HERE! Two days into the voyage and about a hundred yards from the dock I first met Rodger the cabin boy.
"You're Mr. Hawkins aren't you?" he said handing me a plate of something that looked like the contents of a privvy topped up with custard. "Compliments of the cook Mr. Hawkins. Actually, it's quite good once you get used to it. Don't vomit. Cook will be offended. And he is sooo sensitive to criticism."
"Rodger me lad!" I said, "I've eaten worse. You ever been round the Horn tossed for days on end on a stormy sea with the galley fires going out?"
"I've been tossed for days on end but only by the cook. And the bosun and sometimes the navigator if he can find me. It's easy to hide from him though. He hasn't a clue where he is most of the time."
"RODGER!!!! Where are you?" came a voice from above.
"Better be off." said Rodger, "That's the Cap'n calling. Enjoy your dinner."

My first real encounter with Captain Fiona came three days later. We had of course met briefly when I came on board but this was the first up close meeting with him.
"Look at it Hawkins, just look at it."
"At what sir?"
"The sea Hawkins, the sea. It's everybloody where!"
"Well...we are on a ship sir. At sea."
"Do you think I've maybe made a bad career move Hawkins?"
"Can I speak plainly sir?"
"Of course you can daaahling."
"Well..seems like you're not dressed for the weather..I mean.."
At that point he screamed.
"HAWKINS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY DRESS?
"Well..it's a dress sir. Like a lady might...sort of...wear."
I thought my end had come. From nowhere he produced a pistol and shoved it in my mouth.
"Purple isn't me? Is that what you're trying to say?"
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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/27/2010 5:12 AM)

Pirate ships are like all organizations the world over. There's always a Monday Morning Meeting.
"First on the agenda this morning me hearties is...eh..Captain Fiona's apologies to Mr. Hawkins. He says here.."It's a good thing the gun wasn't loaded." Rodger read out in his clear, crisp, choirboy voice. "Oh, and he adds his regrets, he can't be here for the meeting because he's...."
"Shagging the bosun again." came an indistinct voice from the back of the galley.
"Actually, I think he's shagging the navigator this morning Nancy so can we move on?" Rodger said turning to the next page. "Deck swabbing duties this week....Sophie, Sandra, Roxanne and..oh...Nancy too. Make sure the Cap'n can see his face in the decks."
Mr Hawkins nudged Rodger. "By 'eck lad, ye might be young but ye' know how to handle them."
"They are just oiks Mr. Hawkins. They've never been to public school. I despise them deeply. And I shall despise you too if you keep nudging me. Unless your father was at the very least the second son of a Viscount I'm not actually legally allowed to speak to you at all."
"Just trying to make conversation, that's all."
"Well don't. Unless you get a haircut. And a shave."
Mr. Hawkins laughed loudly and hugged Rodger tightly. From his pocket he produced a knife, the point of which he quickly pressed against the inner corner of Rodger's right eye.
"You got a lot to learn son." he said.

"Oh God!!! What are you up to now Mr. Hawkins?" Captain Fiona shouted as he walked through the door. "Has he been giving you that public school nonsense? Rodger! Get back to the kitchen where you belong daaahling! You chair my Monday morning Meetings one more time you walk the fucking plank!"
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WiTcHh
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/28/2010 10:38 AM)

wait!

where is the "risque" stuff?

is it coming soon

this is the risque board

good story mind you
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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/30/2010 9:31 AM)

(author's note) How risque do you want it to be Witch? As originally conceived, the story of Captain Fiona, Mr. Hawkins, Rodger the cabin boy, the cook, bosun and navigator was a comedy; the main premise of which was that Mr Hawkins and Rodger were the only two members of the crew of an 18th century pirate ship who were not over-the-top-screaming cross-dressing queens and that although the reputation of the Ramrod is one of fearsome, violent piracy on the high seas in actual fact the Captain is completely inept (are as the entire crew) at being bloodthirsty pirates.
Perhaps not the most original idea at a comedy but I enjoyed writing it up. This latest version is just me re-writing it and tinkering with the plot to see what happens.
Thankyou Witch for enjoying the story so far. I shall try to intoduce some rum, sodomy and the lash at some point but don't hold your breath for an orgy scene with horny, nubile Tahitian cheerleaders. That would be a great scene to write but thanks to the navigator's navigation skills it may not happen for a while yet.

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WiTcHh
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/30/2010 6:10 PM)

but the young guy
has such control over the "oiks"

come on.........slide it up
and make some squishy noises

yes.........I enjoy all stories
immensely

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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:08/14/2010 3:29 PM)

"Rodger, please tell me that is not an albatross daahling!" Captain Fiona said as he tried to focus on the dead, feathery thing Rodger was holding over him. He yawned. "Oh, fuck...it IS an albatross. Rodger daahling, why have you brought a dead albatross into my cabin at half past five in the morning?
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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:08/20/2010 3:04 PM)

"I can't help falling in love, it gets deeper and deeper the further I go."
"Rodger..for fuck's sake daahling...ohyuck..GETTITOFFME!!! JESUS!!!!! MR. HAWKINS!!!!!
"Yes Cap'n?" Mr Hawkins said as he opened the cabin door.
"JUST GET THE FUCKING THING OFF ME!" Captain Fiona screamed.
Mr Hawkins rolled his eyes. After thirty five years at sea he had seen everything and wasn't in any way shocked by the sight before him.
"Rodger, put the albatross away, there's a good lad and go and fetch some breakfast".
"Oh god, Hawkins," said Captain Fiona after Rodger had slammed the cabin door shut behind him, "I only took him on as a cabin boy so we could eat him in an emergency if we ran out of provisions somewhere in the South Seas. He is a bloody nightmare!"
"He needs a firm hand sir. Make him walk the plank. Or keel-haul him."
"Hmmm...anyway Hawkins, are we in sight of Laurenbacall yet?"
"The island only exists in legend Cap'n. It's not real it's....
"LAND AHOY!! came the shout from up on deck.....
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:08/30/2010 9:09 PM)

Aye, Cap'n Sir,  'awkins 'ere, takin' great compliment at the position given me, 'ere.

Please Sir, however, please do not progress to the point of any sodomizing to or from me character in this tale.



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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:09/03/2010 3:50 PM)

"Well..basically it says you can't sodomize me" said Rodger.
"Are you sure daahling?"
"Positive Cap'n . Mr. Crusty has drawn up a very tight legal doicument which leaves no manoueve for your dick. All enquiries to Warp, Wistful, Kubichek & McMingus, who are my legal representatives in this matter."
"Oooh, hark at fucking her!" said Captain Fiona as he attempted to slap Rodger  but suddenly found himself lying face down on the beach.
"Oh.. dear, The Captain has fallen down.Looks like we have to find the treasure call by ourselves Mr. Crusty."
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Captain_Fiona
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:09/03/2010 4:06 PM)

"Hav you notised thak thy farter we ged inda thesa terez the mutr typos a mak? Veri od." said Rodger.
"No, I hadknu notizeg but now yor menzioj if...yerh...jeehf!"  Crusty replied as he trioed to disentangle himkself from a particularly friendly creeper. "The chunkle zemmr ta be clothing ink on a ald sidze."
"WHAT?"
" I said the jungle seems to be closing in on all sides and...
"Looks like wewre clear of the typo swamp Crustyt."
I'll just brush off those last typo leeches from you Rodger. God! You are beautiful."
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:10/23/2010 12:54 PM)

"Listen.....what's that music I can hear in the background?" Mr. Crusty asked as he and Roger stumbled out of the jungle and found themselves standing on a shore of golden sand which stretched in all directions as far as the eye could see.
Roger listened intently. "I think it's On Some Faraway Beach by Brian Eno. Yes, I'm almost sure it is."
"What be that then?" Crusty asked, " I don't see no musicians nowhere round here."
"It's the soundtrack to the movie we are in. The people watching us in the cinema will hear it much clearer than us."
"Movie? Soundtrack? What the devil you be talking about boy? All I can see is a deserted shore. I never heard of no movies or soundtracks. And there be no people watching us in what did you call it again?
"A cinema. Look! Over there! There's a bottle sticking out of the sand and it looks like there's a message in it."

Roger and Mr. Crusty walked over to the bottle.
"I knew it! It be directions to Captain Clinton's treasure!!!" cried Crusty, "Here, you best read it Roger. I never did learn my letters in school. I never paid much attention. All I wanted to do was go to sea and become a pirate. Broke my old mum's heart it did. Of course, my dad was secretly proud that I never wanted to follow in the family business of sheep rustling on the Yorkshire moors but wanted to sail the high seas causing mayhem and destruction and..."
"Give me the piece of paper." Roger said, "Just give me it will you?"
Crusty handed over the crumpled and faded piece of paper. "How many paces away is the treasure Rodger? We found it at last! Oh! my old dad will be so proud of me Roger! Even prouder of me than that time I released the homing pigeon with the note telling him I'd got my first dose of the clap in Zanzibar."

"It's not a map Crusty. It's stage directions. It says: Stop Crusty reminicing about his life. Get him to go 100 yards along the beach and then as the soundtrack music swells to a climax you both run towards each other, embrace passionately then roll in the surf like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr did in From Here to Eternity."

"What??? It ain't a treasure map?? And what be this about passionate embracing? Burt and Deborah who???"
Rodger laid his hand on the shoulder of the confused old pirate. "Crusty, we are in a movie. Remember that fog we wandered through a couple of days ago just before we entered the jungle? It looks like it was a wormhole in the space/time continuum."
"A what?"
"A wormhole. It would take too long to explain Crusty. The awful truth Crusty is that we seem to be now stuck in an early 21st century art house movie. Some sort of satirical take on the Pirates of the Carribean movie franchise. We're in the future Crusty. And don't it look good?"
"Looks like a deserted beach to me." Crusty said sullenly as he poured grains of sand from one hand through the fingers of the other. "1723 was good. Can't we go back?" he asked dispiritedly.
"It's a one-way ticket I'm afraid Crusty. Hey, come on, when we get back to the trailer and get outta these 18th century clothes I'll take you down to Cantor's Deli on Fairfax and buy you the biggest lox 'n' creamcheese bagel you ever saw."
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Re:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:07/24/2011 10:53 AM)

how did i miss all this writing? wonder why its not on the boards!! but we gotta go explore the side board. :-(
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Re:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:11/12/2011 11:14 AM)

Wheres the rest of this intriqing tale? eh I ask you?
T.
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WiTcHh
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RE:23/7/1723. The end is near.
(Date Posted:12/01/2011 6:00 PM)

the end is opening for more action daaahlink!
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